Making Meaning Without Approval

24 May, 2026

I struggle with meaning without the structure and approval of an external system. I envy people who can sit down and create things for the joy of it.

I externalize my value and look for it in others. In hard work. In a busy schedule. If I am busy, I am good. That's the message.

But these days I'm not busy. I am recovering and learning to not panic.

The truth is that I am burnt out. Emotionally, mentally, physically.

I have filled my life with work. The 9-5 became 24/7 with no one asking me. Waking up at for a work emergency was normal. I'd work for an hour at 1 am, go back to bed and be at my desk again at 9 am and do it all over again.

I believed that if I worked hard enough, people would see that I am good at what I do and the bullies will leave me alone.

They didn’t.

Then one day I couldn't do it anymore. I collapsed. My body gave in. My spirit was crushed. I laid in bed for a month.

In four weeks my only accomplishment was walking for 30 minutes three days a week.

I couldn’t hear my phone ding without jumping because it might be a work emergency. In the past two years my body weight had gone up by 30%, my doctor told me I was nearing the “pre diabetic” warning zone on my blood work, and I couldn’t get on the exercise bike for more than 10 minutes without collapsing.¹

I had nothing left.

Work had wrecked me and it was threatening my health. I cared about biking and I couldn’t do it anymore. Something had to change.

Months into recovery and I am trying to find myself. My brain needs structure and novelty. But not the structure of work. Structure of my own making. Structure that supports me and values me.

I need to learn what a good day is. Not a day where I solve an emergency for someone, or teach someone a new tool, or help my team succeed. No, not a day that is measured in what I do for others. A day that is measured by my own satisfaction.

I Have Had a Good Day When

1. I sip tea and meditate.
2. I cuddle with an animal.
3. I take a long walk.
4. I write something. Just for myself. Maybe to share.
5. I create something meaningful. Dinner. A garden bed. Music. Anything.
6. I see a bird species I haven’t seen in a while.
7. I brush the dogs and do their nails.
8. I feel the sun on my face.
9. I read about butterflies.
10. I hug my partner.

I value these things because they give me meaning.