Trans Valour Hurts, Trans Joy Heals
I wrote my last post in a flurry because I was frustrated that a handful of trans femme authors get the spotlight for telling the same story over and over.
Before I let myself discover the genders I can be in the world, I read every book I could by a trans author, and so many of them said the same thing: being trans is pain, life is pain, pain, pain, pain. I was scared.
This small group of authors defined a period of my life as I struggled with discovery. Why was I discovering joy when there was only supposed to be pain? Why was I happy when I was supposed to be hurting? Why was my pain discovery rather than destruction?
Is there pain in finding my true self? Yes. But there is also joy, freedom, and lightness.
Trans women like these authors are gatekeepers, and in doing so, they circumscribe a way of being trans that hurts. It hurts them. It hurts others.
I have met trans women like this of all ages.
A young, newly out, trans woman recently boasted to me that she takes estrogen by injection and it is so much better than pills, as if jabbing oneself is the more real way of being trans than popping a few green pills in your mouth every day.1
A trans woman my age who has been out a few years longer than I once asked if I was going to get a certain procedure and implied that I would have “transitioned” after that.2
In my self-discovery, there has never been a life event that puts transitioning behind me. Each event marks a process. Starting estrogen wasn’t the start of transition. Discovering that I wanted estrogen, then discovering that it made me feel at peace with my body and mind, is the defining experience for me. My estro-versary is just a date on the calendar. But every morning, I get to take a quick second to self-actualize as I take my pills if I want to. I transition every day.
Being trans is about being myself every day and resting in the calm of knowing I am choosing this. I choose it for myself. Being trans is not about defining moments, surgical interventions, pride parades, or coming out. I honour every moment, every self, and celebrate every way that I am who I am in this world.
Pedantic note: pills are fine by all data points. After age 40, some studies suggest considering patches or injections because processing estradiol in the gut and liver may cause blood clots. However, dissolving the pills under the tongue might be as good as injection, but there isn’t enough data yet. Do you have to inject? No. Do whatever works for you. You can even decide to just not take estrogen at all if you want.↩
Many years later, I have now had said procedure, and let me tell you, I have not “transitioned” any more than I had before. But I have found a new way to be comfortable in my body while holding deep care for the body I had before.↩